i woke up to a cold, cold day in Houston and i felt the pang of loneliness for a second. the house was quiet. no one was home. so i opened my Bible for some words of comfort. after an hour of random flipping and quick skimming i flipped to John 14. it is now one of my favorite passage in the Bible.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father's house there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

I remember when i went to visit my family in Denver, I spent a lot of time with my second cousins who were about 4 and 6 at the time. the minute i told them that i would be leaving to go run some errands they'd ask me a jillion questions. Where are you going? How long will you be gone? Can we come with you? Who will stay with us? When will you be back?

Over and over, I'd try to answer those questions with specific information. Then i would offer advice like "Please be good. Listen to your parents. Take care of each other. Always love each other and remember that family is important."

When Jesus was leaving his disciples to return to his Father, He, too, knew that saying goodbye was important and He didn't leave them without saying it. And the questions His children asked were the same ones my little family members asked. With specific clarity Jesus gave them answers, although they could not fully comprehend the dimensions of what he was telling them.

"I go to my Father," he said. You can't come with me yet, but don't worry. I won't leave you alone. The Holy Spirit will be your constant companion and I must go so that he can come. While I'm gone he will teach you everything you need to know. I will be gone, by my time, only a little while, though it may seem long to you. When I come again, it will be to take you where I have been all this time fixing up a special place for all of us to be together forever. After that, we won't have to say good bye again."

Then Jesus gave us some parental instructions to love and take care of one another. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Some problems may come up, but whatever you need, you can ask for it in My name. All I have is at your disposal, and the Holy Spirit will see that you have it. When you feel lonely or afraid, rely on my promise that I have insulated you, in prayer, and you belong to Me."

I had been going through a spiritual dry spell for the past couple of months. I felt as if God had forgotten me... that I was out of His favor. That He no longer remembered me and i longed so much to find Him. i felt like i did not belong to this world. and its true. i dont. this world is temporary and i know that i am here for a reason... but i no longer found life to be as fulfilling or meaningful. i just wanted to go to my Fathers home and i felt like suddenly i was like my little cousins... asking a million questions. Where are You? Are You still here? When will You come get me? Dont go!" and i felt like no one answered. no one cared to answer me...He left me without saying goodbye and i had to accept it.

in my loneliness i made every attempt i could to just feel Him or be close to Him in any shape or form. i picked up more community service oppurtunities, i prayed for people and while everyone else seemed to be instilled with grace from God i felt as if i had gotten the short end of the stick. Advent came. i signed up for a retreat called Caritas. my first retreat as a participant and not as a leader. i was excited. i came and was asked to help out because one of the other leaders was going to be late. of course i gladly agreed to help but then it changed. i no longer felt like i could ask questions. i had to be the strong one- the one offering suggestions. then the leader came and relieved me of my responsibility. however i still felt as lost and alone as ever. during lunch everyone gathered into a room. i hid in my cabin in a safe corner. i cried and prayed to God asking Him "is this it? is this my life? will i never feel you?" i sobbed in the room alone for a short while and then wiped my eyes, put on a smile and joined the rest of the group.

God answered me that very night. the rainy dreary weather reflected my mood as i stepped outside and held my candle very safe and close to my heart. I went to confession which was held on the porch of the building across and I offered all my sins, all of my brokeness and emptiness and He took it away. i cried. i pleaded to the priest to help me, to make it better, i begged God to show Himself, to speak to me, to hear me. Cha Chi listened to every word, watched every tear fall and then in silence he said it was going to be okay with a simple nod and a pat on my hand. then he talked to me. its personal what he said but he didnt make me feel like a sinner but someone that God loved very much. He told me that God is waiting for us all to come home to Him. Home is where He is and He is here within me. after some a long and intense conversation i walked back and prayed in front of the alter and cried some more in front of friends and acquaintances from the retreat. i didnt have to put on an act. i let out what i was feeling. yes i was still a bit sad but they say after a good cry you feel better. then i walked outside to the pier and on the edge of the pier i said a prayer to thank Him for still loving me despite my foolishness, my inability to recognize the truth and my expectations of Him therefore putting God in a box.

Caritas (which means Charity or love) not only instilled hope in life but helped me to see that Jesus was still here watching over us...and that there could be alittle bit of Heaven on earth because God is in creation, in nature and in the people around us. His Spirit is among us.

today i woke up and for that second that i found myself alone... well i just spent about 4 hours reflecting and writing this entry. and now that loneliness seems so long ago... His words have brought me comfort. I have peace and i accept my humanity and Gods divinity as it is. i have learned to let go and embrace the way the truth and the life.

"Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. You heard me say, 'I am going away and I am coming back to you.'If you loved me then you will be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. And now I have told you this before it happens, so that when it happens you will believe. I will no longer speak much with you, for the prince of the world is coming. He has no power over me, but the world must know that I love the Father and that I do just as the Father has commanded me..."